Life - Notes on 5 Months of Sobriety
I didn't plan to give up booze, it was wholly circumstantial. I’ve seen the term sober curious being banded around and someone wrote a book on it - listening to a podcast episode with the author I thought ‘oh that sounds cool’ but in the back of my mind thought ‘maybe one day’. There are many reasons why I’ve told myself sober life isn’t an option - I have wine maker and brewer clients, I am regularly attending events where I’d be expected to take part in tastings, my social life... y’know?
But lockdown money worries and a couple of Zoom party hangovers later I knocked drinking on the head for what I thought would be a few weeks. A few weeks turned into a month and a month turned into 5. So here I am five months sober, recently turned 41 and reflecting on it.
From the age of 15 I can’t remember a time where I wasn't concerned about my relationship with alcohol. The first time I drank I got so drunk I couldn’t remember a thing about the night and that theme continued through my life. Hangovers were always grim, yet I never got to grips with my stop button.
Wine was drunk on evenings at home and pints were sank with pals. I didn't think twice about spending my hard earned money on rubbish wine and some mediocre food in a pub yet I never had money to put towards my future or my goals. I’d always do dry January. I’d go in and out of bouts of no weekday drinking and then celebrate the weekend with a weeks worth of booze.
But also, alcohol has been an enabler for great times - lock ins dancing to old 90’s r&b, meeting strangers at bars and ending ups at house parties, booze fuelled conversations thrashing out the elephant in the room with friends. But.. as someone who has a tendency to put their foot in it or blurt out inappropriate things (ADHD) the beer fear was REAL. And every time I got the beer fear the more that fed into social anxiety. The more I got social anxiety, the more I sank a few strong gins before heading out. The more likely I was to say something inappropriate - and here was the cycle.
I started censoring myself for fear of the anxiety hangover after, sticking to subjects I knew were safe for me in conversations. Or flitting between groups of people never quite engaging in conversation for fear of saying the wrong thing. And the memory loss was getting worse - even after 2 or 3 drinks there would be a hangover and gaps in my memory.
So on the flip side there’s sobriety and the most surprising thing I’m finding about it is that I’m feeling more playful, more fun, more like a kid. I’m sillier, I dance more… the more socialising I do and wake up in the morning feeling good about the night before the more my confidence grows and the more excited I feel about socialising.
There was an adjustment period - this meant I started to FEEL everything. Which is why a lot of people find the first month of sobriety a bit well... shit. The distraction of booze wasn’t there so for a while it got replaced with coffee, food and sugar - used as markers for the end of the day where a glass of wine would usually be or to distract myself from doing something vulnerable (hallo journalling and dating apps). It was after the two month mark that I really started to notice the difference, this is why the 100 day project is so great, because I really feel like you need this time to break the habit of booze. So now, hundreds of journal pages later and flirty conversations not fuelled by booze I’m finding my potency and it feels GOOD. So good. Of course without dutch courage, it does depend on being braver. But that isn’t a bad thing by a single inch. And the same with those elephant in the room conversations I spoke about earlier - so while I have to stir up more courage to have the conversations, they are more measured, I don’t react with so much emotion and I remember every single word of it.
I was definitely encouraged by the stark difference in my bank balance too. I’ve been able to make my dream of a van a reality by putting money aside for it and actually having a timeline. This is far more exciting than any thought of a drink.
Recently in a podcast interview Stacey Lowman of Pachira Money suggested thinking about how you spend your money, who you were with and where it was. That was a lightbulb moment for me - as an example: 30 quid on a few hours in the pub keeping up appearances for someones birthday yet I was too tired to be good company because I was working all the hours to maintain the boozy lifestyle. I realise now it’s still entirely possible to do those things but by spending less money and being more present. But I am noticing a shift in how I spend my time with people - gravitating towards the people who are eager to meet up outside of the pub too.
My social life has shifted to walks in nature, thoughtful voice notes, brunch in the garden and film nights and I love every minute of it. My relationships feel deeper, more fulfilling and joyful.
Do I miss booze? Going on holiday for a few days and not having a drink was a different experience but I so appreciated a lack of hangover and restful sleep. A natural wine expert followed me on Instagram the other day and that gave me a pang - I have always been a good wine lover and appreciate the process of winemaking. And as autumn draws in I sometimes think about the sound of a glug of wine being poured into a glass but when I weigh up the momentary enjoyment of that with what I get from sobriety the thought of drinking is fleeting.
I find that taking a non alcoholic beer or two to social things does so much for managing other peoples feelings about you being sober. And I genuinely enjoy a Fevertree tonic with a slice of this and that - a majestic drink in it's own right without the booze.
I don’t know if I’ll stay sober forever but the experiment of sobriety is explorative, revealing, confidence building and reflective. I’m not a new person but I’m more in touch with the whole me - because I’m not numbing parts of me by drinking. Getting to know those parts of myself has been really beautiful.
Photos ~ Kitty Shaw.